A Recent Loss

the recent loss of my appetite is a bit unsettling. for once appetite is gone, what moves in to replace it. habit perhaps. or discipline. not unwholesome activities in themselves, but imagine a life of desireless routine. i eat because i must. i eat and eat until i can scarcely take it anymore, because if i don't eat, i will surely be less desirable. but eating affords me little joy. it is simply time, effort, and expense.

maybe those of unquenchable appetite envy my desirelessness. maybe those with eastern philosophical inclinations applaud my current state. but i neither embrace nor reject it. the well of life may be filled either by pleasure, always drawn and never quenching, or by toil, drunk only to stave off death. yet, ultimately don't both seem futile and absurd? perhaps.

i don't expect this numbness to last forever. maybe when i leave daegu and start traveling again. maybe when i read henry miller. maybe when i take a certain drug. maybe someday i will find myself on the other side, driven mad by hunger, and will reflect on this time of satiety in a different light. but right now, i'd simply like to be a little hungry again.

this appears to be my 200th post.