The Final Post

i had planned to write, when i returned, about how its so easy to try to assign meanings to things. to say that this is why i did this or this. and this is what i learned. and ive changed. and im better and the worlds better for it. maybe thats true. maybe its all true.

but, the sensation of familiarity. how nothing seems to have changed or moved or breathed since i left. i feel like i just stepped back out of the wardrobe. and i expect to be old and everything to have changed and everyone to see how much ive changed and they've changed and the world is different. but its not. its strange.

i feel impotent even to tell stories. because it feels so far away. back in that other world. that imaginary world that i was in for a moment and a lifetime. i guess two and a half months really isnt that long. next time ill leave for five years. or ten. i want to see buildings demolished, roads changed. new presidents and celebrities. i want to see people married with kids and cottages. i want to see it all become new.

but then things have changed i guess. half my friends seem to have gotten engaged while i was gone. or married actually.

and sadly i dont think i can enjoy fat tire or hersheys chocolate again. they just dont measure up and the disappointment is overwhelming. im afraid i will have to start shopping at poshy central market now. and spend all my money to eat food thats food and drink beer thats european. oh the bliss of ignorance. i think ill become a socialist too, or an anarchist maybe. read the news or something. try to care about something. maybe i'll start a movement to get coke to use real sugar in their sodas instead of corn syrup sweetener.

i want to spend some time in the new world too. in canada and mexico and brazil and alaska.

i want to live life real slow and soak everything in. try to fall in love with things. you know things that dont matter. and maybe a few things that do. i want to have fun for a few minutes. i want to be happy to be alive (isnt that enough reason for anything?). i dont want to care about most things. like trends and cool and hip. and whether or not i can actually draw or play guitar or write. and what people think (those people who know whats worthwhile and whats not, whats right and whats wrong, those people with eyes boring wholes in my heart).

i want to be like a stone in a river.

i dont think i'll stay in fort worth very long.

but where im going is secret.

(this has been the final post on Seat of Your Pants. It is possible that when i travel again i will resume the blog. until then, you know how to find me. thanks for reading.)