Decision maker or patient waiter

It could be said I think, with some degree of accuracy, that I am a poor decision maker. I mean from all degrees, from what I will eat for breakfast to where I will work on the other side of the globe. It could be argued that my choices often reflect a certain frugality and stiff (if somewhat haphazard) logic. But upon closer investigation, it would probably be discovered that these considerations often undermine, or even mask entirely, my true desire.

I wonder what ratio is appropriate for balancing desire with logic. Logic dictates that I should preserve money where possible even to the detrement of my enjoyment. I wonder where I learned this twisted moral.

Ben F is oft quoted as saying, a penny saved is a penny earned. Fair enough. But I think it is important to remember that a penny saved is just a little piece of copper.

Perhaps desire burns you in the fire and logic abandons you in the cold. Either way you’re a martyr. Some will spit at your grave, some will praise your name. If everyone loves you, you either haven’t been outside, or haven’t a spine. Having forced myself from the former, I tend towards the latter, much to my shame.

I don’t think anyone will give you what you want. That’s why we write fairy tales, to invent worlds where things work the way they don’t here. Where Peter Pan takes Wendy to Neverland and the Fairy Godmother turns pumpkins to stagecoaches. I think you’ve got to make up your mind and go for it. You know, seek that buried treasure mapped out in your heart.

I’ve been trying, though my efforts are like a babe’s first hesitant steps, to set foot on that trail. But each time I get my bearings, I find that I am lost in the wilderness. And looking back at my footsteps, it feels like I knew I was going the wrong way from the start.

So two years into university, I wanted to transfer. And six months in Daegu and I want to move. Of course there was no way of knowing until I got here, until I spent time in the trenches so to speak. Daegu very well could have been a nice place, a fun and exciting place full of fun and exciting people, but it’s really not. It’s a hollow shell expanding mindlessly. Full of nothing and nothing begetting nothing.

Yet I cannot move, or will not. I believe there is value in seeing things through to the end, even things poorly conceived. Then at least I will be free of this burden before I take on the next. Rather than grasping, always, at that elusive ideal, like a handful of sand, slipping away faster as you tighten your grip.

If decision making is my weakness, perhaps patience is my strength. One day I’ll know what I want. One day I won’t be afraid to be that fool who goes straight for what he wants, while others scoff and wander in the mire.